Tips from Mars: Things you should know about sales

Fashion, Sales
We have made it to the end of the anno Domini 2015, what a witty and fine statement huh, and nothing has changed: we’re still plotting to lose ten pounds, and we are forever in throes of whimsical fashion hysteria, fashion that changes every three months undermining our certainties and our finances.
I like writing in the third person, not because of a sudden Hamlet syndrome but because I enjoy imagining myself in the grip of my profound disturbances while I contemplate a pair of shorts form Topshop
“Will I fit into those shorts?”
“What the fuck is a UK size W26?”
“Oh God, please tell me I don’t have to measure my hips and reveal my measurements to everyone in Topshop. Then what will they think? That I feed myself solely on custard cream throughout the year?”
“Will I regret buying these shorts in two months time?”
“Somebody said I look like Brenda Walsh, maybe it’s time to end this fashion non sense”.
We get it, sales aren’t for feeble people, and my firm points are as follow:
1. From Mother Zara I only buy after the 10th of January
In those cold midweek mornings you can take home 5 euro dresses and a pat on the back from the cashier.
2. The childrens deparment is sneaker Paradise
Do you wish for a pair of Stan Smiths? Of New Balance? Do you wear a size 5 or 6? The answer is: go to childrens section and you’ll pay half the price normally, never mind during the sales.
3. One hundred and not a penny more
In Zara you’re not to spend more than 100 euros, otherwise you’ll automatically be assigned the dumb chicken title of the year because you completely lost track of the term low-cost.
4. The Classic
For those of you who are capable of containing the shopping to a single item, for those who have reached the zen point, for those who have mastered the Dark and Obscure forces behind compulsive shopping, for true Jedi warriors who can say NO to the temptations Zara presents us with, the answer is: a classic item on sale.
A camel coloured coat, a cachemire sweater, an angora jumper, a good pair of boots, an so on.
Only one purchase. Only One ring to rule them all.
5. Online stalking in small doses
Online luxury e-shops can hold some good deals, but beware: browsing Net-A-Porter for hours on end will certainly send you into some kind of delirium. You’ll find yourself engulfed by dark thoughts.
Three hundred euros for a Kenzo make-up bag seems like a bargain. I think I need this Fiji water face spray for just 80 euros. OH MY GOD! Look at this Givenchy! It’s on sale at 70% and it only costs thirteen hundred euros! I want that bucket bag. My precioussss.  
Finally I’ll add that Hogan shoes look like shit no matter the price and that you shouldn’t enter Desigual even if the stuff in on sale for 90%. 


Sales stress me out part II

Fashion, Sales, Trend
Part two of the sales series. I spoke about how to survive the summer sales you need to prioritize, but I get stressed out none the less.
During these infamous hot & humid summer months we only have one thing to focus on: the summer sales. I’m already projecting myself into the much cooler and much awaited Autumn so my list will include mainly winter pieces, since I’ve had enough of summer already. Leaving aside the self-consciously masochistic choice of any one outlet or low.cost store int he city center, ignoring the possible city warfare that might arise, the possible risk of a divorce/breakup in the case you were to bring your significant other along,  the incoming nervous breakdown in front of two pink sweaters identical only to those foolish mens eyes, that stab in the heart as you stand in front of a Prada bag that you won’t be able to afford even at 70%; if we can leave all this behind, then we’ll see that the real drama creeps in when the dramatic shopping ensues. 
And it happens. To me, it always happens. 
It so happens that you leave the house with the noble intention of reviving the world economy, only to find yourself in tears in the changing room because that Zara dress you so badly wanted makes you look like Christina Aguilera after Christmas dinner.   
And it’s a viscous circle that goes something like this: Mango, what kind of crap is this? If I was to run with these acrylic trousers on I’ll likely end up on fire due to sparks. To buy from Prada I’d have to stop eating entirely, damned skinny Russians, fuck it I shouldn’t have eat so much over Easter, I’ll start the diet tomorrow, I’m not getting presents for anyone next year cause then I’ll have no money, today I can’t even find a white acrylic tank top made in china in H&M,  these black leather pants make my ass look like the back of a bus, on the inter web everything seemed so pretty, you can’t find a black bag even if you look,  I’m surrounded by skinny bitches but then at Zara all that is left are XS, get out of my way with your horrid ombrè. 
Too many expectations, too many confused ideas, too much food swelling, too much stress but more importantly no list.
During sales a detailed list is a necessity. You need a clear plan, a punctual and detailed list of the things we’d like to buy and that would be worth having to even have a minimal chance of survival.
This year, in a casual order, my list goes something like this: 
-Little brown suede ankle boots
-a suede A-line skirt with front buttons
-a new shoulder bag, possibly form Zara
-a mini dress
-new running shoes
-a pair of comfy slip-ons
-a beanie/ woolly hat, since my ex-boyfriend still has my beloved blue one -moment of sadness-
-Bell bottom jeans form Mango, since the 70s are in vougue.