I don’t have a boyfriend, I’m single, I’m perfectly fine alone, look what a cool boyfriend that ugly dump got herself, who am I going on holidays with, all my friends are coupled up, I’m going to go watch gossip girl.
If you recognize yourself in one or more of these phrases it means you’re single. With new year just around the corner, resolutions and mistletoe hanging, this can be a trying time of the year. Being single can sometimes feel a bit daunting, but believe me, once you accept it it has it’s perks!
#1 Better alone than with a joint Facebook profile.
#2 As long as you’re alone, your mother feels obliged to take care of you.
#3 I’ll only say one thing: Occasional and targeted shaving.
#4 You’re motivated to work out.
#5 You can go to clubs and judge guys instead of the decor.
#6 As long as you’re alone the only alarm clock to go off in the morning will be yours.
#7 Completely free weekends.
#8 You don’t have to share a bed.
#9 You have the opportunity to lie and tell yourself that you’re still waiting for Mr. Right.
#10 Singles are the ones who have most fun when in a group. Couples have a hard time relating to others.
…but still, when you’re single, there’s always that fizzy potential that someone super amazing is just around the corner.
It’s been months since you last saw your family in 3D, at the very most you’ve seen a couple of relatives through Skype (if even). But now it’s the Christmas holidays, and, as tradition goes, you’re back at home with the family. So you come back, anxiety rising, not so much for the imminent meeting as much as for the effort of the journey.
But the return is no less traumatic than the expectation of the return itself. So while you were lost in a day dream your train pulled into the train station, your family has arrived and is ready to bring you home. And the trauma begins.
#1 The fumes of the fabric softener coming from your duvet will knock you out since you’re no longer used to it.
#2 When you open the fridge you feel like crying because, for once, all that food doesn’t belong to your roommates.
#3 Relatives start interrogating you on how the semester went and you desperately come up with an excuse to escape the situation.
#4 You start eating on the evening of the 24th and you don’t stop until the 6th.
#5 During the toast all your relatives suspiciously control your attitude to alcohol by measuring how long it takes you to finish the champagne flute.
#6 You can’t convey to your parents the college rule according to which when someone goes off to his/her room they do not want to be disturbed. That also goes for earphones.
#7 Your grandmother, thanks to her sixth sense, is able to find any open wound (college, love, friends, …) and painfully questions you on it.
#8 After each meal you want to escape to your room or laptop instead you remain stuck at the dinner table as though you were Buñuel movie.
#9 You’re forced to stop mid-anecdote to make the story suitable to a family audience.
#10 On January 2nd you realise your study plans jumped out the window.
#11 You have to dribble questions like “When will you find a boyfriend/girlfriend”, “When will you find a job?” “When will you stop not doing shit all day?” the same way Maradona dribbled the entirety of the British defence during the ’86 Mexico World Cup.
#12 “Eat, you’re looking too skinny!” – quote MOTHER
#13 You rejoice in the fact you don’t have to cook , but after months of bland couscous and take away pizza your stomach can’t tell the difference between sweet or salty.
#14 Everyone (mum, dad, grandmother, grandmother’s hairdressers, random family friends, …) feel the need ask “But are you eating?” with a troubled expression on their faces.
#15 “Don’t drink too much.” – Mum.
#17 Enjoying using as many plates as you want cause there’s a dish washer anyways.
#18 The first day you’re happy to be back home, the second you remember why you left.
At this point you must have realised that this blog is for those of you who have accepted that life sucks. Sometimes. Particularly for that category of people who have had the displeasure of having a relationship go down the drain. However, there is good news – “past relationships are worse than those that are yet to come”.
Well, after spending hours texting a friend, brooding over our life issues and spilling the beans on how we really feel about our past relationships and whatnot , and if reading about celebrity breakups isn’t doing the trick, here’s the list of comforting differences between your first important love story and all the ones that will inevitably follow.
1. The first love story sweeps you off your feet and sends your happiness levels sky high, in fact when it’s over you crash hard and you get pieced back together by an undertaker.
2. You wish for your first love story to last forever, for the rest to come it’s enough that they last more than seven seconds.
3.During your fist relationship you have butterflies in your stomach, after that you realise it’s just heartburn.
4. During your first relationship you try to change the other, after that you learn it’s easier to find another .
5. Your first relationship is like a rollercoaster, the rest don’t make you quite as sick.
6. In your first relationship you promise each other you’ll remain friends, in your next ones you’re aware it’s not possible, or at least not long term.
7. Future relationships will help you in difficult times, your first one will cause the difficulties.
8. When your fist relationship ends you’re scared, when the future ones end you’re relieved.
9. Your fist story takes your breath away, in fact it ends because one of the two feels like they’re suffocating.
10. You think your first love is perfect, for the rest of them it’s enough if they’re not too terrible.