Deceived by post-adolescent utopian expectations of a life of recklessness, free from family ties, and spent ordering pizza at 3 a.m., the reoccurring dream of us all was to move out.
Whenever I hear people (college students) saying they want to move out of their home I’m always like “No! You’ve no idea how good you have it!”
To consolidate the dream as quickly as possible many students underestimate a vital fundamental aspect: The roommate. To be fair, roommates are a very important part of that whole young adult experience. From the college dorm room, to moving in with your bestie to cut the cost of living, to the desperate act of rooming with a stranger and hoping it doesn’t end with your body being dumped in a ditch, roommates are an important life checkpoint. Sometimes, having a roommate is wonderful; you’ve got someone to talk with, to hang out with, and who makes your shared apartment a home. Other times, your roommate makes you legitimately question whether or not you are capable of murder. The roommate from hell will make your life awful and you won’t be able to wait for the day they are gone. You’ll talk to your friends and tell them stories about how terrible and weird your roommate is.
As someone who has experienced a great deal of the latter, I have gained some wisdom that I hope to pass down unto you today. Here’s a list of roommates to avoid like the bubonic plague.
Whether you choose your roommate or he choose you, this detail will definitely cause animosity between the parties: ”I AM A SMOKER! “. It’s been scientifically proven that both roommates will never ever share the same vice, and your clean and fragrant clothes will automatically begin to turn yellow and you will start to research the dangers of passive smoking … to … well, just to be able to complain about that bastard of a smoker who rooms with you.
Magically your socks will materialize in their drawer, you’ll see them come home peacefully with your favorite shirt apologizing with phrases like: ” I thought it was mine! “,” You never use it! “,”It looks better on me”. Avid collector of ashtrays and coasters of any cafe/pub/wherever in town! Pointless to leave any food around the house, for the the fridge is their kingdom, and everything you put into it will be devoured mercilessly! Not counting the €2 that you had CLEARLY left on the kitchen table, and that has now magically disappeared!
Much like the Klepto, this is one roommate you do not wish to encounter. He will go on “trips” around town, and come home with rubbish found in skips, trash cans and random dark alleys, and present you with the loot as if it was gold. The stuff he’ll inevitably bring home will quickly start accumulating and you won’t even be able to recall what the floor looked like before he moved in.
The Filthy one
If it was up to him he would dine on the pile of stagnant dinner plates dating back to last Christmas, he has yet to realise that the shower is not a hair display cabinet and that food use by dates have not been put there at random. This roommate feels right at home among piles of dirty laundry, toppling bags of trash, and take out boxes that haven’t been moved from under his bed in weeks. For this type of roommate there are no limits, and it’s pointless to explain to him that the red toothbrush is yours. You’ll end up believing that before moving in with you he roomed with Tarzan.
The Lazy one
If fate has chosen for you this kind of “roomie”, you will be condemned to a catacomb-like life, where your companions of adventures will be darkness and solemn silence. On the snooze button of his alarm clock, you can notice a dent caused by the fateful countless “5 more minutes, I swear.” Of course you’ll have to suffer the concert of his cursed alarm tone for hours without blinking or saying a word, so as not to pass as the pain in the ass of the house.
I don’t have a boyfriend, I’m single, I’m perfectly fine alone, look what a cool boyfriend that ugly dump got herself, who am I going on holidays with, all my friends are coupled up, I’m going to go watch gossip girl.
If you recognize yourself in one or more of these phrases it means you’re single. With new year just around the corner, resolutions and mistletoe hanging, this can be a trying time of the year. Being single can sometimes feel a bit daunting, but believe me, once you accept it it has it’s perks!
#1 Better alone than with a joint Facebook profile.
#2 As long as you’re alone, your mother feels obliged to take care of you.
#3 I’ll only say one thing: Occasional and targeted shaving.
#4 You’re motivated to work out.
#5 You can go to clubs and judge guys instead of the decor.
#6 As long as you’re alone the only alarm clock to go off in the morning will be yours.
#7 Completely free weekends.
#8 You don’t have to share a bed.
#9 You have the opportunity to lie and tell yourself that you’re still waiting for Mr. Right.
#10 Singles are the ones who have most fun when in a group. Couples have a hard time relating to others.
…but still, when you’re single, there’s always that fizzy potential that someone super amazing is just around the corner.
It’s been months since you last saw your family in 3D, at the very most you’ve seen a couple of relatives through Skype (if even). But now it’s the Christmas holidays, and, as tradition goes, you’re back at home with the family. So you come back, anxiety rising, not so much for the imminent meeting as much as for the effort of the journey.
But the return is no less traumatic than the expectation of the return itself. So while you were lost in a day dream your train pulled into the train station, your family has arrived and is ready to bring you home. And the trauma begins.
#1 The fumes of the fabric softener coming from your duvet will knock you out since you’re no longer used to it.
#2 When you open the fridge you feel like crying because, for once, all that food doesn’t belong to your roommates.
#3 Relatives start interrogating you on how the semester went and you desperately come up with an excuse to escape the situation.
#4 You start eating on the evening of the 24th and you don’t stop until the 6th.
#5 During the toast all your relatives suspiciously control your attitude to alcohol by measuring how long it takes you to finish the champagne flute.
#6 You can’t convey to your parents the college rule according to which when someone goes off to his/her room they do not want to be disturbed. That also goes for earphones.
#7 Your grandmother, thanks to her sixth sense, is able to find any open wound (college, love, friends, …) and painfully questions you on it.
#8 After each meal you want to escape to your room or laptop instead you remain stuck at the dinner table as though you were Buñuel movie.
#9 You’re forced to stop mid-anecdote to make the story suitable to a family audience.
#10 On January 2nd you realise your study plans jumped out the window.
#11 You have to dribble questions like “When will you find a boyfriend/girlfriend”, “When will you find a job?” “When will you stop not doing shit all day?” the same way Maradona dribbled the entirety of the British defence during the ’86 Mexico World Cup.
#12“Eat, you’re looking too skinny!” – quote MOTHER
#13 You rejoice in the fact you don’t have to cook , but after months of bland couscous and take away pizza your stomach can’t tell the difference between sweet or salty.
#14 Everyone (mum, dad, grandmother, grandmother’s hairdressers, random family friends, …) feel the need ask “But are you eating?” with a troubled expression on their faces.
#15“Don’t drink too much.” – Mum.
#17 Enjoying using as many plates as you want cause there’s a dish washer anyways.
#18 The first day you’re happy to be back home, the second you remember why you left.
I don’t understand people who dislike Christmas, perhaps they were beaten with a candy cane while their siblings unwrapped Christmas gifts or instead of watching Home Alone they were made sit through Christmas Evil.
I don’t think there are any rational explanations to not love Christmas except an unvanquished childhood trauma.
Sure, maybe not doing the following things could make Christmas a universally loved celebration.
1. Excessing with the Christmas decorations
You lost the last bit of good taste when you had to go out and buy neon pink christmas balls to hang on the bushes.
2. Mortifying your single cousin/ sister/ random relative
Don’t do it. Stop with the “when will you get a boyfriend?”“I have a friend I want to introduce you to”. Just mind your own business. Don’t fuel these type of conversations, cause next year it could be your turn!
3. Going to stores that commit the crime of selling red glittery lingerie.
This social affliction will never end and I believe it is one of the major causes that push people (or women at least) to hate Christmas.
4. Eating disproportionate amounts of food.
I know I said that since we’ll all be wrapped up in a large Christmas jumpers you can eat away, but after the third serving the situations just becomes awkward. Not to mention: food coma.
5. Christmas chains on Whatsapp
It’s almost 2016, chains about joy and emotions should not be legal. Do not give in, do not be overcome by a fit of goodness driven by a glycemic peak and say NO to chain letters.
6. Instagramming everything
There’s a good chunk of the population that only resorts to Instagram twice a year: while they’re on holiday in August and Christmas. The rest of the year is a complete desolation. To correctly use instagram I’ll refer you back to this evergreen guide.
7. When they told you recycling was important for the environment they didn’t mean Christmas gifts.
Let me tell you a story. Once upon a time a friend of mine -spoiler me- received a questionable gift. I’m pretty sure it was a book that I wasn’t keen on. This girl, believing she was being sly, tried to carefully re wrap the gift. After the meticulous work, she realized there was no gift note, but didn’t think anything of it assuming she must’ve thrown it out. The girl then proceeded to hand over the gift to a friend bearer of bad taste. When the gift was unwrapped before her eyes, she discovered where the gift note was gone: “For Laura, Happy Christmas”.
The moral is: you can always tell when a present isn’t sincere. It’s better to not give anything at all.
8. Turning the front of your house in a representation of Las Vegas
Perhaps ESB sends you home a basket of gifts every year, but some people need to be told that there’s a difference between a suburban house and the lobby of the Cesar Palace in Vegas.
At this point you must have realised that this blog is for those of you who have accepted that life sucks. Sometimes. Particularly for that category of people who have had the displeasure of having a relationship go down the drain. However, there is good news – “past relationships are worse than those that are yet to come”.
Well, after spending hours texting a friend, brooding over our life issues and spilling the beans on how we really feel about our past relationships and whatnot , and if reading about celebrity breakups isn’t doing the trick, here’s the list of comforting differences between your first important love story and all the ones that will inevitably follow.
1. The first love story sweeps you off your feet and sends your happiness levels sky high, in fact when it’s over you crash hard and you get pieced back together by an undertaker.
2. You wish for your first love story to last forever, for the rest to come it’s enough that they last more than seven seconds.
3.During your fist relationship you have butterflies in your stomach, after that you realise it’s just heartburn.
4. During your first relationship you try to change the other, after that you learn it’s easier to find another .
5. Your first relationship is like a rollercoaster, the rest don’t make you quite as sick.
6. In your first relationship you promise each other you’ll remain friends, in your next ones you’re aware it’s not possible, or at least not long term.
7. Future relationships will help you in difficult times, your first one will cause the difficulties.
8. When your fist relationship ends you’re scared, when the future ones end you’re relieved.
9. Your fist story takes your breath away, in fact it ends because one of the two feels like they’re suffocating.
10. You think your first love is perfect, for the rest of them it’s enough if they’re not too terrible.