Ten things a man should never do during a first date

In life you need to be prepared, experience lots, learn from such experiences, and learn from the bad luck and unfortunate experiences of others. All this is known as a CURRICULUM.

Now, we all live in the hope of one day finding our prince Charming before our curriculum reaches the length of all the lord of the ring novels put together, but unfortunately gentlemen don’t exist, the majority of men are idiots and may cause discomfort and/or depression.

I say no to resignation, I believe in always being well-prepared, positive and relaxed, venturing into first dates with that optimistic thinking typical of a woman who is about to go out with the man of her life.

So: A lovely smile on her face and a handy-dandy pepper spray in her pocket.

Because, after all, you never know, in modern times, the chances that your date will be a a modern day gentleman are very slim. On the other hand, it’s very likely that he’ll be a very avid user of TINDER.

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Here’s a little vademecum to immediately understand what direction the faithful first date will take, and ten things to never do unless you want this to be your first AND last date ever. In that case, take note.

✖BEING LATE

Is today the 11th of September 2011? No.

So there’s really no scientifically explainable answer to justify why the subject may be late.

✖NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR

Meaning when he comes over to your place for the first time and doesn’t bother to get out of the vehicle or knock on the door, opting instead to either:

-Honk

-write on whatsapp ‘I’m here!’

✖NEGLECTING THE BREATH

Some people smoke like a chimney, some shoot up garlic through intravenous injections. Those entities may establish assonance with the concept of making out only if they down a bottle of Mr. Muscle Citrus fragrance.

✖ TALKING ABOUT THEIR MOTHER

It.Is.Not.Necessary. We do not need to know right away if their mother has received a prize form the president, how well she knits/cooks/hoovers and how no one does the laundry like she does aka hard to find a caregiver woman like her.

✖ TALKING ABOUT THEIR EXES

Similarly to talking about mother dearest, we don’t care to be presented with your personal portfolio of models, hairdressers, Romanians met at the club or Russians encountered at the traffic lights. He should never tell us how many girls he went out with, nor should he ever ask us how many former lovers we have had, because it would surely end in the Carnival of Lies: he’ll certainly multiply his exes by 50 and we’ll divide ours by 50, for the sake of that vintage home-church-family trend.

✖ANSWERING: ‘DON’T TELL ME YOU’RE ONE OF THOSE GIRLS!’

This is the wrong -wrong- answer for any of the following questions or events:

You dare to ask: What kind of car do you drive?

‘Don’t tell me you’re one of those girls!’ = 1990 Ford Pinto

You dare to ask: Where do you live?

‘Don’t tell me you’re one of those girls!’ = still at home with the parents.

He dares to ask to split the bill.

‘Don’t tell me you’re one of those girls!’  = unequaled stinginess.

✖SHAKING THE DANDRUFF

There are numerous remedies designed to halt this perpetual snow tragedy. It’s good to avoid dark colours while you’re at it. And it’s a terrible idea to coin the new Olympic sport of shaking flour from your head to the plate, it doesn’t go with the sushi at all.

✖CONTINUOUSLY CHECKING THE PHONE

They’re obviously either texts from his mother or Tinder notifications.

✖WALKING YOU HOME AND INSISTING ON COMING IN.

He will never enter our home on a first date. There is simply no reason for it and it’s completely pointless for him to insist using excuses found at the edge of fantasy land:

▪ To empty his bladder he can always use a bush

▪For a sudden headache there’s always the 24h emergency pharmacy around the corner

▪For excessive alcohol intake there’s always a taxi

✖TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF ONLY

Oh, those lovely first dates where he talks. And he talks. And he talks. And he doesn’t even let you agree or disagree with what he’s saying before moving on to the next subject and exclaiming ‘You’re very quiet aren’t you?’.

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If only even one of these events occurs during your first date, consider yourself at a crossroad: either challenge the already foreseen tragedy or run away at once.

|Based on true events|

only very sadly true stories

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